Gasping for Air

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I have about 3 other posts started, but not finished.  Sometimes I think writing is so therapeutic that halfway through a post I end up curing myself of whatever was eating at me in the first place and then I’m all good and can’t think of any more words to say.  Funny.

Cause right now I can’t seem to come up with the words.  And by no means do I feel “all good.”  I should say, I am thankful that no one in my family is dying, or has cancer, or has any of those other things that could suck the life right out of us at any given moment.  No, this is much less than that, thankfully.  Still, it feels like a blow.  Lyme Disease. Unbelievable.  I wanted it to not be.  We had Jake tested, we really hoped we were wrong, and I wouldn’t let myself believe that we could be right in suspecting it.  But we were right.  I just got the official phone call.  The results are in and will now be reported to the CDC.  I guess that means I can’t pretend it’s not real.

I don’t know what to do.  Again, I know it’s not the end of the world.  We will work through it and be okay.  But it doesn’t feel fair.  Not for me, but for Jake.  He is the most energetic, nothing slows him down kid I know.  Or at least, that’s how he used to be.  And sometimes still is… I don’t understand this.  He loves golf.  LOVES it.  Used to be he could hit balls for hours on end, literally, and I would bring him to kindergarten late because we just couldn’t walk away from the driving range without hitting every. last. ball…  He also used to ride his bike.  And by ride, I mean RIDE.  Rode two miles at two years old without training wheels.  At five years old and he was pushing 12 miles easily, begging for more.  Then, there is the fact that he is hard-wired for math problems.  At four years old, in a grocery cart, he explained to me that 9 x 9 is 81, because if you have 10 tens, but take one ten away, that makes ninety, and that’s 10 x 9, and then if you take another 9 away, that’s 81, which is 9 x 9.  What???  I didn’t even understand it at first.  And Lyme Disease – well, it eats away at these kinds of things.  It devours your energy.  It sucks at your mental concentration.  It can leave you in a fog, wishing you could sleep each and every day away.  Which is NOT the Jake I ever pictured.  It’s just not what you wish for your own child.

So here I am wondering how we pick up the pieces.  I guess we just DO.  It’s what happens.  You pick up the pieces and you keep marching on.  You love your babies, you hug your friends,  you treasure the moments that bring a sweet smile to your face.

I don’t have that angelic feeling of “Well, I know God will use this for His glory,” by the way. I feel like it’s important to make sure you know that.  I think most of you know that I am eternally grateful to God and Jesus for all they have done for me and I realize that there is a much bigger plan than what I can see.  But I also think that sometimes we see the outside shell of a person and somehow imagine that they always think lovely, heavenly thoughts.  I want you to know that my thoughts right now are NOT “Thank you, God, for this chance to bring glory to you.”  Sorry for the brutal honesty, but though there are people who preach that we SHOULD say this when we hit trials, to that I say “Suck it.  YOU do it in YOUR trials first.”  Anyway, being the black gray sheep of the family, I feel like every once in awhile if I need to say something like “suck it” in a blog, well, people can just be thankful that I ended the vocabulary lesson there.  I do want very much for God to be glorified and honored in all, but right at this moment I would actually rather give this one back to God and say, “Nice try, but you’re going to need to find a different way for us to give you glory.”  But, it’s out of my hands.

And as I type this, my eyes are suddenly overwhelmed with tears.  Oh shit, the dreams that are dying… I mean, it’s not a death sentence, I know.  But you can’t take a kid with Lyme Disease and move to Central America to love on Guatemalans, can you?  And will he ever have the energy to do the things he wants to do again?  He thinks he is going to break a world record for how far he can ride a bike.  I just… I can’t even think about it.  I just can’t handle it.

I will do better when I process it some more…

And I am left speechless… Because the moment I finished that last sentence, I went to another open tab on my computer, and literally stumbled across these lyrics for the first time…

 

I close my eyes

Try to tell myself, it’ll be alright

But my doubting mind

Is against me now, I can’t hold it down.

I thought I was a strong man

I don’t wanna say that I’m falling apart.

I know I’m gonna break,

So what’s it gonna take to get to my heart.

Oh, You want my heart.

And sometimes

 

You shatter dreams, You tear down walls

You wake me up, when I’m half asleep

Just to get to me.

You shower me, when I don’t deserve

You never hold back anything, no

Just to get to me.

 

I don’t deserve

For You to chase me down, to call me out.

One day I hope to learn

How to completely give you all of me, hey

Through all my testing,

You have never left me falling apart.

I know I’m gonna break

Do what it’s gonna take to get to my heart.

If that means

 

You shatter dreams, You tear down walls

You wake me up, when I’m half asleep

Just to get to me.

You shower me, when I don’t deserve

You never hold back anything, no

Just to get to me.

 

Before I ever had a heartbeat

Before I even had a name

You held my life inside of Your hands.

Every door that You open,

And every road that You’ve closed,

Was Your plan in motion to make me who I am.

 

You shatter dreams, You tear down walls

You wake me up, when I’m half asleep

Just to get to me.

You shower me, when I don’t deserve

You never hold back anything, no

You never hold back

You never hold back anything,

Just to get to me.

So, I pray… Get to me, God.  Get to Jake.  Get to us all.  Cause we are so, so broken…

9 thoughts on “Gasping for Air

  1. Wow. Just wow. Lisa, I can’t tell you how this makes me feel. It makes me feel doubly, no infinitely grateful that I have NEVER had to deal with something like this and that it’s not fair.
    I know you will do all you can to make certain that every possible bit of JAKE remains intact-and by that I mean your encouragement for him to be and do all that he can, and your research on diet and vitamins and herbs and treatments and therapy and whatever slows the effects of the disease. And in it all, you will love him. And he will know that he is loved. And God WILL give you the peace that right now, seems impossible. That peace that passes understanding.
    I love you so very much and know that I am going to be bugging God a LOT about you!

  2. Wow. I am so, so heartbroken and shocked, and horrified for you all at the same time.
    Although, my gut also tells me, that although I wouldn’t wish what you and Jake are going through on my worst enemy- you guys can do this. You WILL do this, with crappy days and great days and awful ones and wonderful ones mixed in.
    I just hope you know how many people love you, and are praying for you and will do anything we can to help you get through this for Jake.

  3. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I am so sorry. I can’t say I know what you are going through because I don’t but I have been in situations where I have said “suck it”. God wants our true selves, the good, bad, and ugly. Although at times it is not pretty He is always there for us. He will be there for you as you work through this, all of it the ups and downs. I would stop blabbing now. Praying for you.

  4. Ohh, sweet Lisa. I love your words of honesty. I am so heartbroken for you all and I hate, hate, hate that Lyme has had such an impact on our family. But I love you guys. And I’m praying for you all like crazy.

  5. Oh Lisa, I know exactly how you feel. When Davey was diagnosed with autism, I couldn’t just gracefully accept it either. There’s a mourning period for the future you thought your child would have; but that passes and your new normal sets in and you find that God is there and you may not get the future you planned, but the future will still be okay. They are making progress with Lym
    e all the time. Praying for all of you, tonight and always.

  6. Lisa, I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. We will be praying for strength for you and Brian. I hope that you are able to find some great doctors who are able to get to the bottom of this quickly and to offer your family the support you need. If you ever need some stress-relief shopping, you know where to find me.

  7. Oh Lisa 🙁 I am so sorry!!! I am speechless. He is so lucky to have you as his mom. You are so courageous to even have pursued to discover this. All of you are in my prayers. He is so young therefore he will come through like a champion! I saw you briefly today but I missed you to say hi. One moment at a time. I am so sorry.

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